 I've been listening to this song recently. Have I told you that I adore songs which triggers surrealism and imagination? Daydreaming about the false and lethal reality I've been constructing since the day I took away my trust in humanity... Oh society, you sure are something. I was told not to dream, yet the reality you provided irks me. I remember having this whole imaginative characters; each playing their own part accompanying me in my abstractive contemplation. I remember doing frequented self-talking; wondering why these imaginary friends are better than the physicals. I also remember, despite every self-triggered or outside-exposure contradictions; faith is what makes me myself.
Somewhere, in the pensive of my purest sanctuary, there is a little girl; still waiting dreamily for her version of reality to overtake the abomination outside..  Labels: feeling, music, obsession, pray, random, rants, whine   ... and here I thought that graduation was the final equinox. it did not. as INTP, I over-thinking stuffs, and even though most assumption and accusation I made were proven accurate, the whole process exhausted me. so here I am, in the middle of two very difficult decisions, in which I should choose one in sacrifice for another. the thing is, I am a dreamer, a thinker slash philosopher (even though I never really studied this subject before), and critics. I bleed for my dream, and that is absolute. should I chase my eternal ambition go for further education, postgraduate degree, and not working (which make me really depends on parents' source of money, and labelled as ungrateful by friends and family) or... give it all up and do what people expect me to do, become the slave of capitalism, doing boring normative work inside the cubicle? and now the other problem. my feelings. a very wrong feeling for somebody I never dare to touch. Labels: feeling, love, random, rants   i usually dont talk about my darker self on blog, but i think i've reached my limit. have i told you that i'm into witchcraft or in more shady terms; occult? i guess i haven't. this addiction of mine is not something i would proudly brag here and there, considering that i reside in a society where such abomination is taboo not to mention implicitly prohibited. occultism caught my attention since i first exposed to the internet. safely say, 10 years ago. but the interest starting to develop deeper at my senior high school era. depression triggered my darker self to manifest in the form of a sinful stress-reliever which guided me to the depth of underworld. but don't worry, as i am not yet awaken my full potential. all i did back then was studying. studying the occultism, the witchraft, did a couple harmless practices but no effect whatsoever. i started to realize that i might have some potential (every human does, it's just a matter of who awoken them faster and easier than anybody else) when i entered college. lucid dream, out of body experience, intuition, etc. not that i haven't sensed any of these during high school but the signs are more subtle now. but me being selfish, being a person who want to reach perfection by thy self, never once, thinking about using 3rd party service to activate all my... let's say; potential. i believe that the higher self awareness, the highest self revival would be best acquired by the process everyone called learning. instant result always have diabolical impact if you know what i meant. well... here i am, confessing minor part of my darkest secret to you all. you probably can learn something. probably. Labels: college, occult, random, rants   so this post might or might not be a shocker to some of you. if i remembered correctly, I've never posted anything about this in my previous entries. in my old blogs maybe, but not here. if i remembered correctly. you know, things correspondent to each other; like chains. one problem leads to another. you guys read my previous post about college depression right? well then you are on track. because this very matter is linked to it. so my depression dont just happen in college. trust me, i've been on the same spot before. i wont waste your time by storytelling my old tale but keep in mind: i am not your average girl next door. i have my own unique traits that some people find it annoying and maybe, amazing. my elementary and high school era wasn't as easy as most of you guys. consider yourself lucky. thus with frequent depression, i began to seek for alternative method of stress-reliever. one of them happened to be music. in dark genre. i jammed to gothic, metal, and other similar genres trying to merge and ensure myself that i was not alone; i was not the only one suffering from whatever was happening at that time. then come Marilyn Manson, straight from the depth of hell, offering me sweet promises in exchange of my faith to God. and so my dark age began i disconnect myself from God, from world, not to mention social interaction (not really antisocial but i avoided getting on too much with people). my behavior was rude, and people hated me. my whole mess never managed to get better at school, but once i arrived home and turned the tape on, i felt like i was no longer in this world. only me and devoted admiration to manson mattered. if you asked: what about now? well, like what i've hinted on the beginning of this post, i somehow going back to the dark phase. Marilyn Manson music amuse me once again. with a core difference: God still with me. Labels: college, marilyn manson, random, rants   looking at the title you must be thinking that i'm going to do some tragic motivational preach. oh hell no. in fact, what i'm going to tell you is probably in contrast of what you would call motivational. hell breaks loose, my misery grows. i rarely post about my college life, am i not? too lazy to stroll back my old archives, but i am confident enough to be perfectly sure that this would be the first ever emotional confession about my college life. so.. are you ready? this wont be pretty and you have been warned. since i've been keeping this story since God knows when, let's arrange the events in time-based manner, shall we?
but in the end, quitting is not an easy cake like flipping your hand. i should consider my future, if i have no degree. third world country + no degree = doomed. my family also one that holding me back from quitting. i dont wanna disappoint them after they paid my tuition and all. especially my parents are getting old while my sister and brother still enroll in school. they need monetary support too. if only, someone give me chance to study abroad. just like my eternal dream. if only. TO BE CONTINUED Labels: college, random, rants  next week is the final exam, and too good to be true, the lecturer already gave tons of take home test which must me handed at the final test day as you all know; next week. sucks? duh. and im like entering the stressful phase and depression. i hate deadlines. what make everything seems so fucked up is the fact that im not in a good condition, i think. i don't feel good. well yeah, i rarely feel well to be exact. remind me to do a general checkup. i dont know since when i'm starting to become so weak, got sick easily, and rapidly attacked by typhoid fever. its kinda scary you know? i hope i can live longer. BTW, i gotta ask for crime preventing system's assignment, i must finish this today because the lecturer demand it by tomorrow. and i lost the instruction. damn. hope i can go though this hectic pile of mass assignment safely and successfully. amen. Labels: college, health, rants  i'm like, "wtf..? get a life plz, mine is better than yours. to be HOOOOOO-NEST" i dont mind being stalked virtually though. i mean my twitter is public, and you can find all my social networking sites on my FB even though you're not yet befriended with me. i'm quite open, you see? but i never, ever, mention your name or hinting you at my post after that period. i mean, what are you trying to show here? i dont even care you hinting me in your post, duh. in fact, like what i've said before, my blog is better than yours, dumbass. once again; what are you trying to prove actually? and you write shits no one would read with expired images? gawd. you really should do more reasearch. you can post how much you want, even if you coincidentally post an entry after me. i dont mind, really. i know you follow mine anonymously. you know? tag me or formspring me sometimes. plus, you're following my twitter, so at least mention me. if you dont have any guts, DM me then ;) oh, must finish my crime risk analysis's paper. catch you guys later! xo Labels: bitch, flame, random, rants, stalk, twitter  
above is taken from Leona Lewis's keep bleeding. this situation i am facing now is not by coincidence. i was forced myself to love, hoping that i would heal quickly and open my eyes. turns out that what i did is wrong. now im in love and it feels so wrong. Labels: love, lyric, rants, whine   i think i am frustrated, infuriated, and afraid for no reason. maybe the fact that final test is approaching, tons of paper, assignment, and crazy deadlines. or maybe im just to afraid of the end. im afraid im going to fall. hard, and destroyed when i finally hit the bottom. i am full of flaw, cracks, and holes. i am fragile. over sensitive and too moody. i am the type which always regret. i dont even know why i'm turning into this emotional mode. my mood swing is too fast, i dont even realize. i feel hatred, i feel sadness. pray for my final test okay? Labels: feeling, grandma, pray, random, rants, whine @ 11:44 AM 
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 rough times.my grandma is still in ICU. my health is getting better but sometimes i feel strange. like the sudden tiredness, or the annoying feeling that make me wanna puke. and the love thing, yeah. this one sums it all up. im planning to register for a gym, but i don't know for sure. the price is friendly, but the location isn't. well, its like 1hour from my grandma's or 1.5 hour from my home. what do you guys think? maybe go run in the neighborhood every morning sounds better? already asked my friend about that and he picked the free run. the problem is that i'm such a lazy ass. i never, bold this one, never ever been running at my own neighborhood. well maybe i did once when im still a little kid. so watcha say? register or not? OH AND THE PAPER. tons of 'em. fuck this life. Labels: feeling, grandma, pray, rants, whine i dont know, i am a little bit shocked about what i've just heard. it seems that a friend of mine.. did several plagiarisms over a blog. this person has a blog written in great english, so good that it caused a curiosity towards my informer. so the informer checked it out via google.. then wooosssh! plagiarism detected. i dont know why that person, lets call.. X, did that. i mean, my english is also bad, but at least im trying. its a learning process dear.. maybe what you did will make people salute you. but for how long? what if they eventually find out that well.. you're not that good? i'm writing what i write now not because i hate you. i just wanna tell you that if you want to achieve something.. in this case.. good writing skill, then you must learn to do it on your own. and fair. |
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Best viewed in Google Chrome. This blog only show 4 post at default, so please browse through the archives for my older entries. The content on my page are to be remain untouched/copy pasted. Do not plagiarized or use any images from this page without my authorized permit. If i see anyone stealing my shit I'll fucking rip their pubes out, virtually. If you'd like a link exchange, just ask. I basically link everyone that asks me. To contact for link exchange add my ym: hestchi.camui@yahoo.com, Or you can tag or comment my most recent blog entry. Thank You.
greetings from mars
 Indonesian, 22, Hesti , Student, University of Indonesia, Criminology, Transnational Crime, Struggling this hellhole for reasons unidentified. General: super sensitive, over emotional, clumsy, careless, procrastinator, fragile, over excited. fashion lover and swag the way she likes. conspiracy, religion and gadget maniac. already survived merciless university drama. calendar
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