A REBEL FROM THE WAIST DOWN

changing fate, through altering the past, for example; is never an easy (if it is even possible) task to begin with.

sometimes, you regret what you've decided.

and sometimes, you regret that you were never decide.

which one is best is yet unknown.

however, if your current state is literally consuming; so amazingly frustrating, that you barely have enough room to logically process your thinking...

what would you do?

how much, and in what form; you would voluntarily sacrifice just to fix those mistakes?

and then if there is a third party involved; one of the significant reasons behind your confusion; what would you do?

if you could interfere, prevent those foolish act from happening;

would you?

I've heard a story once. about a boy whose heart was so broken; it shattered into pieces.
about how cruel this girl, about her betrayal.
about how much she has changed,
about how much sacrifice the boy already did.

I pity him really.

what the girl did to him is now making him fear of having commitment.

it is not that I desire to be the one he is committed with, for I have nothing to flaunt, moreover to make him attracted.

but somehow I understand those feelings.

I too, had suffer once or more, twice or thrice.

I wish, if I could, to turn back the time. just a little bit backward.

freeze into the moment where we were introduced;

and erase it for good.

Labels: feeling, love, random

... and here I thought that graduation was the final equinox.

it did not.

as INTP, I over-thinking stuffs, and even though most assumption and accusation I made were proven accurate, the whole process exhausted me.

so here I am, in the middle of two very difficult decisions, in which I should choose one in sacrifice for another.

the thing is, I am a dreamer, a thinker slash philosopher (even though I never really studied this subject before), and critics.

I bleed for my dream, and that is absolute.

should I chase my eternal ambition go for further education, postgraduate degree, and not working (which make me really depends on parents' source of money, and labelled as ungrateful by friends and family) or...

give it all up and do what people expect me to do, become the slave of capitalism, doing boring normative work inside the cubicle?

and now the other problem. my feelings. a very wrong feeling for somebody I never dare to touch.

Labels: feeling, love, random, rants

can you blame him for his cuteness?

no, you can't.

you C A N ' T.

behold, my beloved MIZUSHIMA HIRO. famous actor and writer from japan

and he's currently my obsession. i mean, what's not to be obsessed from this guy?

mizuchin is definitely my new gackt! nyahahahahahahhaha

sorry gackt, but you're getting old, plastic surgery couldnt hide it ya know. but mizuchin, he's like a fallen angel. correction: an angel

. sent from heaven to be MINEEEEE!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

and a sudden rush of inspiration come since the day i've fallen for him. i decided that i will write a fanfiction. just me and him, you know.

say no to wifey-whatever!

oh gawd, i dont know what to say. speechless. he's like the utmost perfect creation god ever made

i'm super serious.

Labels: love, mizushima hiro, obsession

AHEM.

after 2days of devastating awkwardness...

we finally make up! yay!

Labels: feeling, love, random

well.. couldn't really put up much words.

heart-breaking, it feels like what it sounds.

you know, when you love someone so much no matter how they might have crushed your heart into pieces..

aw, crap.

move on to next entry will ya?

dont wanna mix this up with another news.

xo ♥

Labels: feeling, love

that wasn't even a good title for any sane blogger.

well, i've encountered lots of not avaiables.

some of them:

boyfie (err.. i dont need one at this moment anyway -_-")
crush (no boyfie is OK, but no crush? geeez)
holiday plan for august (pretty sucks, cuz no one, i repeat; NO ONE willing to accompany me for a vacation)

pretty random? maybe.

BTW just heard a rather shocking news. im trying my best to believe it till now.

OHHHHHHH for the sake of the HITS, im gonna post these stuffs beloooow, hope you dont mind:

so the story began with a leaked sex tape, starring ariel 'perterpan' and luna maya. then soon after that another shocking video circulated: ariel (again) vs cut tari. luna maya and cut tari are famous tv presenters, while ariel is the lead and vocalist of a band called peterpan (now already changed its name into something still unpublished).

tell you what, the leaked sex tapes are found everywhere, do a google search if you are really curious since ariel peterporn been on #1 trending topic since yesterday.

no no no... i won't share you any links, don't wanna break any laws :p im a play save-er :p

well, enough randomness. catch ya later!

Labels: love, random

maybe may was a may-day to me. a lot of unfortunate events happened.

but i've made it all through, safe and sound! :D

promise, you won't see me posting cheesy love stories and personal mellow rants anymore! are you happy? well, you have to! :D

why oh why, you asked.

well, its because i finally:

neutralized my feelings towards the certain guy (whom i've posted so many times, read my older entries duh).
found a perfect multivitamin in capsules which actually working (called Royal Ginseng Plus+) but the bottle is weirdly resembles a man-only-supplement kinda stuff -_-"" so for the sake of every mankind, i'd prefer to keep it safe at home, wouldn't let anyone catch a glance at it. but im telling you no joke; it's SERIOUSLY working, dude. you'll feel healthier, fresher, stronger, everyday!
said "the" words to him, without breaking my heart :D

yup yup, pretty simple for you perhaps :D

oh oh, anyway, i recently spend my days (besides attending summer class) playing NDS :D its fun! downloaded tons off good fun addictive games to keep me distracted from the boring class.

and another good news: i just got the order sheet from inibuku.com, an online bookstore. said that i gotta transfer the cash then the items will be shipped afterwards :) ohh cant wait to read 'em all!

BTW, since im not hitting on that guy anymore, im gonna support him as a best friend, through thick and thin :D no more "forbidden" feelings! LOL

okaaaaaaayyyyyy... i think that's enough for now, sprinkle ya later!! ♥

Labels: college, feeling, gadgets, love, random

ok, lemme tell you my current obsession; KANAME KURAN. but i'd prefer calling him kaname-sama ♥

"who the hell is he?" you asked.

Kaname Kuran (玖蘭枢) is a pureblood vampire, who saved Yuki Cross from an attack by a Level E when she was five years old. Kaname is one of the main male protagonist. Prior to his re-awakening, Kaname was the ancestor of the Kuran family. He is born in the year of the Rooster. His height is 184 cm (6'1") and shares a similar appearance with Haruka and Rido Kuran.

He is normally a stoic and authoritative individual, but is very kind, warm, and gentle to Yuki. This disposition bothers both Yuki and the Night Class vampires, who do not understand his favouritism towards her. He is very strict and often imposes discipline in a fierce way, yet he is indulgent to Yuki. Kaname has acknowledged to Rido that he has a contrary nature, which leads him to both desiring to lock Yuki up and keep her to himself and alternatively, to watch her protectively while encouraging her to be herself. Kaname never hides the fact that he is not interested in anything else but Yuki’s welfare. Every action he makes is towards one goal, and that is Yuki’s safety, his greatest fear is losing her. He is very determined to have Yuki live for all of eternity by his side and not only deeply fears losing her because of the ten years she spent as a human, but because of the mysterious loss in his past. He seems to frequently plots things in secret making him rather secretive and mysterious. Kaname sacrifices everything for her, he wanted her to at least stay by his side even if she rejected his sins and later refuses to reject her and declared he would rather die than lose her, to show how deep his love for her is.

Kaname Kuran is the class president of the Night Class, both feared and respected by the other Night Class students. While he is cold and authoritative towards his contemporaries in the Night Class, he is always kind and sweet to Yuki. Kaname has shown that he cares for Yuki in a romantic sense and that he had fallen for Yuki ever since they were children. He wants to be closer to her, but senses how shy she is about it. Since he adores her, she is reluctantly accepted by the Night Class. He has attempted countless times to expand intimacy with Yuki. He is also Yuki's fiancée and Yuki knows him as her brother. He shares the Chairman's goal of peace between vampires and humans. He worked with the Chairman to create the Night Class at Cross Academy and with his presence, allows the Night Class to be kept in check. But the real reason Kaname agreed to attend the academy is so that he can be near Yuki and protect her.
As a Pureblood, Kaname is capable of controlling lesser vampires, but he chooses not to exercise his powers, thus earning the respect of the Noble vampires. In the fanbook it is stated that he is all powerful. Even his shadow mirror is capable of beating up another pureblood, he can create different shapes that monitor Yuki, such as a wolf or bats.

Kaname is the ancestor of Kuran, one of the originals vampires. During his original time, he despaired to such great heights, he chose to lay down in a coffin and never awaken, waiting to turn into dust instead. During this long sleep, his hair continues to grow, but when he awakens he is a rotting corpse. Kaname makes references to the loss of a love who sacrificed herself for a lost cause and the loss of his love is probably the cause of his despair.
Rido stole Juri and Haruka's first child, also named Kaname, inspired by the fact they shared a name, he sacrificed the baby to awaken the Kuran ancestor. Rido wanted to awaken the ancestor because he wanted to be the one to tame the beast and drink its blood, through this act, Rido became Kaname's master. However, upon his rising, Kaname instead attacks and drinks Rido's blood instead. During the interim, Kaname was mysteriously reverted into the body of a child and Kaname was raised by Juri and Haruka, though they never told Kaname earlier, Haruka was aware he wasn't really their son. Kaname loses his memories, only slowly awakening over time. He declares that he has regained his former self by the time that he destroys the council, perceiving that the essences of vampires have not changed since his time of going to sleep, stating enigmatically they are continue to build the same invisible cage. Prior to going to sleep he had mysterious decided a course of action, which he put off and went to sleep instead. He states that he will now continue that course and that the council is his first step.

source: http://vampireknight.wikia.com/wiki/Kaname_Kuran

read the manga here: http://www.onemanga.com/Vampire_Knight/ you wont be regret. seriously. its a good read. currently rated #1 at top shoujo manga list in http://onemanga.com

here is the pic of him. my best found *wink* :

hahah!! i prefer the manga version than the anime. he looks hotter! i mean look at those eyes!! it almost like he wanna say, "fuck me." LMFAO.

oh god, but he is INDEED a heart-throbber.

i mean with all his pureblood status, royal background... PLEASE MAKE ME YOURS, KANAME-SAMA~!! \(>A<)9

and my boy friends been calling me nuts.

Labels: love, obsession, random

hahaha i know i've been such an angst lil' whore recently.

mellow emo post about love and feelings. duh.

well good news, for those who have been suffering, trying all their efforts holding the urge to puke; the initial R finally come back.

aha.

the other one? the forbidden crush? er.. i dont really care about him anymore, cross my heart for that.

and oh yeah, i currently reading Vampire Knight manga scan.

summary: Cross Academy is attended by two groups of students: the Day Class and the Night Class. At twilight, when the students of the Day Class return to their dorm, they cross paths with the Night Class on their way to school. Yuki Cross and Zero Kiryu are the Guardians of the school, there to protect the Day Class from the Academy's dark secret: the Night Class is full of vampires. (http://www.onemanga.com/Vampire_Knight/)

its damn well good; both the graphic and the plot. you guys should check it out at http://www.onemanga.com/Vampire_Knight/ i ain't kidding here, folks ♥

but if you were guy, maybe it would bore you, since the main characters includes uber beautiful jaw dropping unbelievably cool male vampires. and they're targeting female readers, so yeah..

anyway, what you guys do this summer? i haven't prepared any plan yet. but im thinking Jogja, or Bali, or somewhere. oversea? oh i hope so.

tomorrow would be my first day of summer class, hope i could do well during these exhausting oh so boring period. pray for me!!

anyway, i must continue reading the addictive Vampire Knight..! oh kaname-sama.. bite me~!

Labels: college, feeling, love, random

hey, i missed you. i have been, since the second you go offline.

where are you? i keep counting, now is the 7th day you're missing in action.

you know that i care about you a lot right? you know that for me, you are irreplaceable right?

you should have learned from the past, just how much i love you i keep on chasing.

now that we both are finally together, you are gone.

if you read this, well i doubt that you would; i admit that i made a big mistake.

i might have fallen for that guy but i'm over it now.

he was the past.

you are the future.

you know, maybe what i felt towards him back then was only a teenage crush. nothing more beyond that limit.

but what i feel towards you, until now, is way different; i love you with all my heart.

and i just realized; i couldn't be the same person without your presence.

you know, love, i'm crying to sleep a lot because of you. we fought like.. zillion times but deep inside we know that we loved each other too much.. sometimes simple glitch of misunderstood would sparks the fire.

now i'm wondering where are you now?

are you OK?

have you found someone who understand you more and makes you happy?

well if it's the case, i'm letting you go :)

i believe if we were meant to be, then we would eventually back together again.

i love you, initial R :D

Labels: feeling, love

... and pretend as if i dont care.

it would help to ease the pain. hopefully.

Labels: feeling, love, random

well i met up with my friend at monday, i was bored at that moment and besides i wanted to give her a birthday present, so i texted her and then we met at PIM.

i never told anyone before about what i currently feeling, the disturbing crush. i didn't know where the urge comes but i told her anyway, the whole story LOL. and i finally told her how it began.

she said that what i feel is normal, i'd be damned if i didn't feel anything.

but really, if i had to choose, i'd prefer not to feel it at all. its disturbing. consuming.

besides, i already have him. i mean he is the only one who loves me so far.

you know, all these jealousy and stuff, i hate it.

i really, seriously, wanna get rid off him.

i mean we dont event match at the first place.

i hate this. i hate this feeling. i hate not being able to do a thing. i hate to hide it inside. i hate that i have to lie.

OMG i think im crying. hahaha.

why does it hurts so much?

Labels: feeling, love

hell yeah!! just one day left!!

i'm not feeling well today, its because i've been sleeping so late since the 1st day of final exam. soon after i've done the victimology couple hours ago, i went straight home.

but no worries :) i don't have to stay up late again tonight :)

no more burdening papers or essays, YEAAAH!!!!!!!

but really, i hope i'm okay, i mean typhoid fever is the thing i least expected :(

i gotta think of a plan to spend my short holiday since i'm must apply for the short term. err.. if you're not familiar, its like summer class. so i have to attend class whereas other on vacation.

i'm thinking about jogja, or another cities.

oh yeah, already re-cleared the probs with him last night, and as usual he didn't even pay any shit. seriously. so i think its really done now.

but who cares with him anyway? just like what toybox's said, "it tickles in my tummy, he's so yummy yummy ♥" if you know what i mean - LOL

alright folks, gotta rest a bit, maybe short nap will do.

catch you later pretty soon!

Labels: college, feeling, health, love

i was crying last night, thanks to the jerky shit who crushed me down.

usually i don't feel comfy in telling people what i feel, but recently (well last night to be exact) --i didn't know where the urges come from-- i finally talked to my friend about it.

well he didn't really solve a thing but at least he provided me a good distraction.

and i owe him for that ♥

i'm sucks at sharing, i'm too afraid i might sounds so dumb and get judged. LOL

oh well, how crazy it might be, at least i've got friends. world is not that cruel, really.

Labels: feeling, love

term paper on queue:

crime risk analysis
victimology

the first one is rather hard. deadline is wednesday but it requires criminal data from the place you pick.

the problem is, its not that easy getting data from the requered place. well, i dont know what's gonna happen with mine, im waiting for an angel to give me the data i need. already did a google search but come up zero.

oh. another good news; he didnt even apologize or something or trying to show me that he care. means he is never ever worth.

okay, wish me a good luck for the final term.

Labels: college, feeling, love

i finally said the words.

no need to explain further.

just wanna scream out loud, "BYE BYE FUCKER!!!!"

now let me enjoy my life :)

Labels: feeling, love

okay, let me list what's been burdening me:

term papers (tons of 'em!)
weird dreams about particular person who appears quite often recently
that guy
my anxiety disorder
my annoying sudden mood swing

final term is happening NOW. and the points listed above will definitely make my efforts to survive become more and more hardcore, if you know what i mean.

i need more praying sessions. it can calms me i know, but damn i'm such a lazyass.

but glad to know that anxiety disorder is not that dangerous, but since im so psychosomatic, it can affects my health too.

oh god. i need a calm-downs.

Labels: college, feeling, health, love

Weak
I have been crying and crying for weeks
How’d I survive when I can barely speak
Barely eat, On my knees

But that’s the moment u came to me
I don’t know what your love has done to me
Think I’m invincible
I see though the me I used to be

You changed my whole life
Don’t know what your doing to me with your love
I’m feeling all super human, you did that to me
A super human heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you
Super human (I feel so superhuman X2)
Super human

Strong
Since I’ve been flying and righting the wrongs
Feels almost like I’ve had it all along
And I can see tomorrow

Where every problem is gone because
I flew everywhere with love inside of me
It’s unbelievable to see how love can set me free

You changed my whole life
Don’t know what your doing to me with your love
I’m feeling all super human, you did that to me
A super human heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you
Super human (I feel so superhuman X2)
Super human

It’s not a bird, not a plane
It’s my heart and it’s going, gone away

My only weakness is you
Only reason is you
Every minute with you
I can feel like I can do anything
Going going, I’m gone away in love

You changed my whole life
Don’t know what your doing to me with your love
I’m feeling all super human, you did that to me
A super human heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you
Super human
Super human

i've been denying for lives, thought that you weren't capable enough for me.

but i think i'm wrong.

you can see me when the others dont :)

Labels: feeling, love

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greetings from mars

Hesti W.
Indonesian, 22, Hesti , Student, University of Indonesia, Criminology, Transnational Crime, Struggling this hellhole for reasons unidentified.

General:
super sensitive, over emotional, clumsy, careless, procrastinator, fragile, over excited. fashion lover and swag the way she likes. conspiracy, religion and gadget maniac. already survived merciless university drama.

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