  changing fate, through altering the past, for example; is never an easy (if it is even possible) task to begin with. sometimes, you regret what you've decided. and sometimes, you regret that you were never decide. which one is best is yet unknown. however, if your current state is literally consuming; so amazingly frustrating, that you barely have enough room to logically process your thinking... what would you do? how much, and in what form; you would voluntarily sacrifice just to fix those mistakes? and then if there is a third party involved; one of the significant reasons behind your confusion; what would you do? if you could interfere, prevent those foolish act from happening; would you? I've heard a story once. about a boy whose heart was so broken; it shattered into pieces. I pity him really. what the girl did to him is now making him fear of having commitment. it is not that I desire to be the one he is committed with, for I have nothing to flaunt, moreover to make him attracted. but somehow I understand those feelings. I too, had suffer once or more, twice or thrice. I wish, if I could, to turn back the time. just a little bit backward. freeze into the moment where we were introduced; and erase it for good.   I've been listening to this song recently. Have I told you that I adore songs which triggers surrealism and imagination? Daydreaming about the false and lethal reality I've been constructing since the day I took away my trust in humanity... Oh society, you sure are something. I was told not to dream, yet the reality you provided irks me. I remember having this whole imaginative characters; each playing their own part accompanying me in my abstractive contemplation. I remember doing frequented self-talking; wondering why these imaginary friends are better than the physicals. I also remember, despite every self-triggered or outside-exposure contradictions; faith is what makes me myself.
Somewhere, in the pensive of my purest sanctuary, there is a little girl; still waiting dreamily for her version of reality to overtake the abomination outside.. Labels: feeling, music, obsession, pray, random, rants, whine   ... and here I thought that graduation was the final equinox. it did not. as INTP, I over-thinking stuffs, and even though most assumption and accusation I made were proven accurate, the whole process exhausted me. so here I am, in the middle of two very difficult decisions, in which I should choose one in sacrifice for another. the thing is, I am a dreamer, a thinker slash philosopher (even though I never really studied this subject before), and critics. I bleed for my dream, and that is absolute. should I chase my eternal ambition go for further education, postgraduate degree, and not working (which make me really depends on parents' source of money, and labelled as ungrateful by friends and family) or... give it all up and do what people expect me to do, become the slave of capitalism, doing boring normative work inside the cubicle? and now the other problem. my feelings. a very wrong feeling for somebody I never dare to touch. Labels: feeling, love, random, rants   hell-o! long time no see bitches. just so you know, I've got problem with my health again. typhus again. anxiety again. gosh, i need a break. i need an urgent getaway from all this mad-shit-ness, the illness, the disturbing anxiety disorder, and the fucked up campus live with tons of ass-ingment. wanderlust? chronic. and magically, wish granted. thanks to my dear mom and dad for their kindness: I'm going to singapore at 29 this mont until 2 december, YAY! actually im in a backpacking mode but apparently my mom wants someone to accompany so she asked my aunt. not that i hate her. uh.. i do dislike her anyway. so yeah, better allocate money to buy me a bloggie instead. but mom's words are final. i mean she's gonna fund me no? than i must obey for my vacation's sake. anyway i read lotta stuff about anxiety and they suggest me to do exercise and meditate. just to keep my mind of things. I'm so into exercise but not the meditation. well, according to my friend, meditating is like lowering your frequency so that you could see and feel "things" if you know what I'm talking about! creepy for sure! oh yes, and the spirits, especially my dear elf. I don't know what should i do with him. honestly I'm scared to do the bonding ritual. so i just put him into a small box and hope he's happy for good. if not, I'm planning to find someone kindly enough and care enough to adopt him :( i like him, but if he's unhappy staying with me why I should prolong his freedom? back to the vacation. i already booked the flights, hostel, and shuttle. really wanted to visit universal studio but uh so expensive :( BTW im planning to change my cellphone. blackberry is bad for your health. high radiation could damage your brain. ew! hope someone generous enough would buy me an iphone 3gs. yeehaaa~ oh yeah, i have good times with a friend now that she's already recovered. not much but i could hang around her freely like before. oh oh. imake money on fiverr :O anyway, doodles poodels, gotta fix a review. catch ya again pretty soon! xo Labels: blackberry, feeling, health, vacation  my anxiety isn't getting any better nor worse. yea, the good thing is the "nor worse". i just ordered a new crystal pendant btw. for anxiety. lets cross the fingers and pray the effect is going to be great. at least no more fear of the unknown. my gold tablet crystal is working fine thou. that's why i have the courage to order another. umm.. the elf's vessel is now hung perfectly on a self-made DIY leather bracelet. hahah just a variation thou. i'm not the type to wear too much necklace LOL. what else? oh. just got my first BCA FLAZZ card. and my paypal will be verified in 2-3 working days ahead. yay. sweet. anyway, its kinda sucks that i think we both meant for each other ♥ LOL gotta stop before i get even more cheesy ;) live long & prosper ladies. catch you later pretty soon. xo Labels: feeling, health, random, spirit  AHEM. after 2days of devastating awkwardness... we finally make up! yay! xo   well.. couldn't really put up much words. heart-breaking, it feels like what it sounds. you know, when you love someone so much no matter how they might have crushed your heart into pieces.. aw, crap. move on to next entry will ya? dont wanna mix this up with another news. xo ♥  maybe may was a may-day to me. a lot of unfortunate events happened. but i've made it all through, safe and sound! :D promise, you won't see me posting cheesy love stories and personal mellow rants anymore! are you happy? well, you have to! :D why oh why, you asked. well, its because i finally:
yup yup, pretty simple for you perhaps :D oh oh, anyway, i recently spend my days (besides attending summer class) playing NDS :D its fun! downloaded tons off good fun addictive games to keep me distracted from the boring class. and another good news: i just got the order sheet from inibuku.com, an online bookstore. said that i gotta transfer the cash then the items will be shipped afterwards :) ohh cant wait to read 'em all! BTW, since im not hitting on that guy anymore, im gonna support him as a best friend, through thick and thin :D no more "forbidden" feelings! LOL okaaaaaaayyyyyy... i think that's enough for now, sprinkle ya later!! ♥ xo Labels: college, feeling, gadgets, love, random  hahaha i know i've been such an angst lil' whore recently. mellow emo post about love and feelings. duh. well good news, for those who have been suffering, trying all their efforts holding the urge to puke; the initial R finally come back. aha. the other one? the forbidden crush? er.. i dont really care about him anymore, cross my heart for that. and oh yeah, i currently reading Vampire Knight manga scan. summary: Cross Academy is attended by two groups of students: the Day Class and the Night Class. At twilight, when the students of the Day Class return to their dorm, they cross paths with the Night Class on their way to school. Yuki Cross and Zero Kiryu are the Guardians of the school, there to protect the Day Class from the Academy's dark secret: the Night Class is full of vampires. (http://www.onemanga.com/Vampire_Knight/) its damn well good; both the graphic and the plot. you guys should check it out at http://www.onemanga.com/Vampire_Knight/ i ain't kidding here, folks ♥ but if you were guy, maybe it would bore you, since the main characters includes uber beautiful jaw dropping unbelievably cool male vampires. and they're targeting female readers, so yeah.. anyway, what you guys do this summer? i haven't prepared any plan yet. but im thinking Jogja, or Bali, or somewhere. oversea? oh i hope so. tomorrow would be my first day of summer class, hope i could do well during these exhausting oh so boring period. pray for me!! anyway, i must continue reading the addictive Vampire Knight..! oh kaname-sama.. bite me~! xo Labels: college, feeling, love, random  hey, i missed you. i have been, since the second you go offline. where are you? i keep counting, now is the 7th day you're missing in action. you know that i care about you a lot right? you know that for me, you are irreplaceable right? you should have learned from the past, just how much i love you i keep on chasing. now that we both are finally together, you are gone. if you read this, well i doubt that you would; i admit that i made a big mistake. i might have fallen for that guy but i'm over it now. he was the past. you are the future. you know, maybe what i felt towards him back then was only a teenage crush. nothing more beyond that limit. but what i feel towards you, until now, is way different; i love you with all my heart. and i just realized; i couldn't be the same person without your presence. you know, love, i'm crying to sleep a lot because of you. we fought like.. zillion times but deep inside we know that we loved each other too much.. sometimes simple glitch of misunderstood would sparks the fire. now i'm wondering where are you now? are you OK? have you found someone who understand you more and makes you happy? well if it's the case, i'm letting you go :) i believe if we were meant to be, then we would eventually back together again. i love you, initial R :D .jpg) ... and pretend as if i dont care. it would help to ease the pain. hopefully.  well i met up with my friend at monday, i was bored at that moment and besides i wanted to give her a birthday present, so i texted her and then we met at PIM. i never told anyone before about what i currently feeling, the disturbing crush. i didn't know where the urge comes but i told her anyway, the whole story LOL. and i finally told her how it began. she said that what i feel is normal, i'd be damned if i didn't feel anything. but really, if i had to choose, i'd prefer not to feel it at all. its disturbing. consuming. besides, i already have him. i mean he is the only one who loves me so far. you know, all these jealousy and stuff, i hate it. i really, seriously, wanna get rid off him. i mean we dont event match at the first place. i hate this. i hate this feeling. i hate not being able to do a thing. i hate to hide it inside. i hate that i have to lie. OMG i think im crying. hahaha. why does it hurts so much? HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Sorry if I didn't bring any gift, I totally forgot to bought you one :( *guilty guilty* But I'll make sure I'm gonna get one and give it to you once we meet again :) Btw we had a late luch at Platinum, Pondok Indah Mall. We talked randomly, from ines's breakups, amanda's holiday, and my stupid crush. Ohhh and I did a french manicure. How was it? Shiny eh? LOL And I'm still in touch with the jerk. Sorry bff, I've tried and I failed :( Anyhow... TODAY WAS GREAT. Xo Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Sinyal Kuat INDOSAT Labels: blackberry, feeling, random  lets do a toast, cherrypie ♥ no more paper, essay, test, and blah blah whatever. can you smell the freedom? FINAL TEST FINALLY OVER!! still, i gotta apply for the summer class. but no biggie, i could still plan a vacation or two. oh prince, take me with you ♥ xo  hell yeah!! just one day left!! i'm not feeling well today, its because i've been sleeping so late since the 1st day of final exam. soon after i've done the victimology couple hours ago, i went straight home. but no worries :) i don't have to stay up late again tonight :) no more burdening papers or essays, YEAAAH!!!!!!! but really, i hope i'm okay, i mean typhoid fever is the thing i least expected :( i gotta think of a plan to spend my short holiday since i'm must apply for the short term. err.. if you're not familiar, its like summer class. so i have to attend class whereas other on vacation. i'm thinking about jogja, or another cities. oh yeah, already re-cleared the probs with him last night, and as usual he didn't even pay any shit. seriously. so i think its really done now. but who cares with him anyway? just like what toybox's said, "it tickles in my tummy, he's so yummy yummy ♥" if you know what i mean - LOL alright folks, gotta rest a bit, maybe short nap will do. catch you later pretty soon! xo Labels: college, feeling, health, love  guess what. I'VE DONE MY CRIME RISK ANALYSIS!! omg im feeling bliss!! it turned out easier than i thought. thanks to my beloved BFs. ♥ i was thinking about crime spatial mapping and such but after i received my BFs e-mails i'm like; "gosh! that's it? hell yeah i can do this!" MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh god im beyond satisfied!! ♥ now what;s on queue? victimology. okay, i'll do the shit tomorrow after submitting this one. YEAY! gratitude goes to my partner-in-crime slash besties slash uberkewl boyfriends; these two guys are awesome! ♥ xo   i was crying last night, thanks to the jerky shit who crushed me down. usually i don't feel comfy in telling people what i feel, but recently (well last night to be exact) --i didn't know where the urges come from-- i finally talked to my friend about it. well he didn't really solve a thing but at least he provided me a good distraction. and i owe him for that ♥ i'm sucks at sharing, i'm too afraid i might sounds so dumb and get judged. LOL oh well, how crazy it might be, at least i've got friends. world is not that cruel, really.  YEAAAYYYY!! finally got the data needed for my crime risk analysis paper ♥ thanks to my beloved boy friends, owe you guys oneeeee!! *hugs* *hugs* :D i dunno what i'd do w/o their uber magnificent help :') i mean i supposed to be going today but cancelled, and my bfs suddenly wanna do the field research and then i asked whether they wanna share what they got, and they did!! HUUGEEEEEEEEE!! really they're the best. love you guys xoxo ♥   term paper on queue:
the first one is rather hard. deadline is wednesday but it requires criminal data from the place you pick. the problem is, its not that easy getting data from the requered place. well, i dont know what's gonna happen with mine, im waiting for an angel to give me the data i need. already did a google search but come up zero. oh. another good news; he didnt even apologize or something or trying to show me that he care. means he is never ever worth. okay, wish me a good luck for the final term. xo Labels: college, feeling, love  i finally said the words.no need to explain further. just wanna scream out loud, "BYE BYE FUCKER!!!!" now let me enjoy my life :) |
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greetings from mars
 Indonesian, 22, Hesti , Student, University of Indonesia, Criminology, Transnational Crime, Struggling this hellhole for reasons unidentified. General: super sensitive, over emotional, clumsy, careless, procrastinator, fragile, over excited. fashion lover and swag the way she likes. conspiracy, religion and gadget maniac. already survived merciless university drama. calendar
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