defrustration Wednesday, November 14, 2012 @ 8:11 PM
changing fate, through altering the past, for example; is never an easy (if it is even possible) task to begin with.
sometimes, you regret what you've decided.
and sometimes, you regret that you were never decide.
which one is best is yet unknown.
however, if your current state is literally consuming; so amazingly frustrating, that you barely have enough room to logically process your thinking...
what would you do?
how much, and in what form; you would voluntarily sacrifice just to fix those mistakes?
and then if there is a third party involved; one of the significant reasons behind your confusion; what would you do?
if you could interfere, prevent those foolish act from happening;
I've heard a story once. about a boy whose heart was so broken; it shattered into pieces.
about how cruel this girl, about her betrayal.
about how much she has changed,
about how much sacrifice the boy already did.
I pity him really.
what the girl did to him is now making him fear of having commitment.
it is not that I desire to be the one he is committed with, for I have nothing to flaunt, moreover to make him attracted.
but somehow I understand those feelings.
I too, had suffer once or more, twice or thrice.
I wish, if I could, to turn back the time. just a little bit backward.
... and here I thought that graduation was the final equinox.
it did not.
as INTP, I over-thinking stuffs, and even though most assumption and accusation I made were proven accurate, the whole process exhausted me.
so here I am, in the middle of two very difficult decisions, in which I should choose one in sacrifice for another.
the thing is, I am a dreamer, a thinker slash philosopher (even though I never really studied this subject before), and critics.
I bleed for my dream, and that is absolute.
should I chase my eternal ambition go for further education, postgraduate degree, and not working (which make me really depends on parents' source of money, and labelled as ungrateful by friends and family) or...
give it all up and do what people expect me to do, become the slave of capitalism, doing boring normative work inside the cubicle?
and now the other problem. my feelings. a very wrong feeling for somebody I never dare to touch.
about to scream. Thursday, December 1, 2011 @ 9:29 AM
i usually dont talk about my darker self on blog, but i think i've reached my limit.
have i told you that i'm into witchcraft or in more shady terms; occult? i guess i haven't.
this addiction of mine is not something i would proudly brag here and there, considering that i reside in a society where such abomination is taboo not to mention implicitly prohibited.
occultism caught my attention since i first exposed to the internet. safely say, 10 years ago. but the interest starting to develop deeper at my senior high school era. depression triggered my darker self to manifest in the form of a sinful stress-reliever which guided me to the depth of underworld.
but don't worry, as i am not yet awaken my full potential.
all i did back then was studying. studying the occultism, the witchraft, did a couple harmless practices but no effect whatsoever.
i started to realize that i might have some potential (every human does, it's just a matter of who awoken them faster and easier than anybody else) when i entered college. lucid dream, out of body experience, intuition, etc. not that i haven't sensed any of these during high school but the signs are more subtle now.
but me being selfish, being a person who want to reach perfection by thy self, never once, thinking about using 3rd party service to activate all my... let's say; potential. i believe that the higher self awareness, the highest self revival would be best acquired by the process everyone called learning. instant result always have diabolical impact if you know what i meant.
well... here i am, confessing minor part of my darkest secret to you all.
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Indonesian, 22, Hesti , Student, University of Indonesia, Criminology, Transnational Crime, Struggling this hellhole for reasons unidentified.
super sensitive, over emotional, clumsy, careless, procrastinator, fragile, over excited. fashion lover and swag the way she likes. conspiracy, religion and gadget maniac. already survived merciless university drama.