Bella, we need to have a serious talk. Look at you! No wonder even a vampire and a werewolf won’t so much as eat you. You have no hobbies or interests or perceivable intelligence. You’ve abandoned your friends and pathetic social life. You actually have no discernible personality, stand on any social issues and not one goal for when you grow up, and your 18 years old!

In fact, when Edward or Jacob isn’t around, you simply do-not-exist. You’re a pale suicidal hermit.

Do you realize how unattractive that is to a guy, that you can’t eat or sleep without him? Guys aren’t keen on responsibility and that’s a heavy one—to be someone’s everything. You can’t even get Edward to get past first base without looking like he’s going to vomit.

Are you certain he isn’t gay? He does seem to like glitter makeup. I’m just sayin…

And what about Jacob? A shirtless bountifully male specimen trying to kiss you and you act like you’re going to have a seizure? Obviously, Jacob is the safe one. After all, dogs are faithful companions.

Let’s review your history with Edward. When you first met him, he thought you smelled awful and wanted to vomit. When you stared at him in the cafeteria like a freaky stalker, he looked like he wanted to vomit. When he rescued you from getting hit by the van, he stopped the vehicle while he was in the middle of regurg and ran away. Now, he up and moves away with his family and doesn’t so much as email you or text message you? Do excuses come any lamer?

Bella, honey, it’s time to accept the truth; he’s just not that into you…